/hɪ’stɪərɪə/

/hɪ’stɪərɪə/

1. exaggerated or uncontrollable emotion or excitement.

2. an old-fashioned term for a disorder characterized by neurological symptoms often accompanied by exaggeratedly or inappropriately emotional behaviour, originally attributed to disease or injury of the nervous system and later thought to be functional or psychological in origin.

This series of images responds directly to the circumstance of my recent ill health. At the beginning of last year I was hospitalised twice, for menorrhagia, that is, extremely heavy menstrual bleeding that would not cease. The causes were commonplace: fibroids in my uterus that created a hormonal imbalance. The consequence I experienced was less common. I lost so much blood that I became very weak, and as opposed to my usual vigour, I found I could barely muster the strength to walk around for more than a minute or two.

I signed the surgery papers in the Emergency Room on Valentine’s Day 2024, and until two days before Christmas, I waited, longingly, for a hysterectomy. The public health system in Aotearoa moves at a glacial pace, and consequently, the entirety of last year was a potent test of my resilience. In the intervening months, I was repeatedly injected to effectively ‘turn off’ my ovaries - abruptly and completely bringing on a temporary, artificial menopausal state.

I’ve had what feels like all of the commonly grieved symptoms: anxiety, memory loss and intellectual fog, hair loss, weight gain, insomnia and the most horrific night sweats. And, in spite of a plethora of medications, ongoing unpredictable, sometimes heavy, bleeding.

I’m so angry. I can hardly describe my absolute resentment of my body, for bringing me so much trauma. Indignation at the interminable and shifting hospital waiting lists. Anger at anybody who cares to offer advice, and a serving of silent rage for all those dearest to me, for reasons relating entirely to the altered emotional and mental state produced by this hormonal change.